Christmas Disaster Part 2 and ½: The Saga Continues

Its 15 days before Christmas.  The Christmas cards and annual letter are not written, the shopping is not done, and we do not yet have a Christmas tree up. How could we already be into another disaster?

Today we put up the garland over the large wooden entertainment center in the family room.  Most years I have done this with the help of our cleaning person.  This year, my husband is retired.  So he suggests he and I will do the decorating together.  That’s what the joy of the holiday season is all about: spending time with loved ones.

In past years, my cleaning person and I would push back the artificial mums and philodendron (the Non-Christmas Decorations—NCD) that usually sit on top of the entertainment center.  Then we would string the artificial greenery in front to hide the NCD.  With a stepladder, it would take the two of us five to ten minutes.  And little muss or fuss.

This year, my spouse said, “Let’s do the decorating the right way.”  That is, Step 1, take down the mums and other Non-Christmas Decorations.  Of course, this results in Step 2, find a place to put all the NCD.  There is a lot more NCD than Christmas greenery.  So, my gracious husband climbs into the attic and hauls out some empty plastic tubs.  Next comes Step 3, take down the NCD.  Also a big project.  Not only is the NCD voluminous but it’s a hodgepodge.  Mums and greenery in pots, strands, and all sorts of other configurations that had been interwoven for a look of a solid, wall-long floral front. How we will ever get this all back up I'm not sure.  

But taking down all of this decoration once in awhile no doubt is a good idea. Because that takes us to Step 4, dusting.  The only problem is I am terribly allergic to dust mites.  One of the reasons we have a cleaning person.  Thus, soon I look like the proverbial TV allergy sufferer: sneezing, sniffling, and red, itchy eyes.  And that’s after taking a boatload of allergy medicine.

Having completed Steps 1 through 4, we are proud of our accomplishments.  And finally we are ready for Step 5, put up the Christmas garland/greenery or “CG” for short.  The CG comes in large strands with colored lights, activated by a battery pack in each strand.  Oops, Step 5 is check the strands and batteries.  


All finally is a “Go” for Step 6, put up the CG. In previous (misguided) years this had been the only Step.

My husband climbs on the stepladder while I hold the rest of the strands.  This seems to be my place in Christmas decorating.  But the decorations don’t want to stay in place.  There no longer is anything to prop them up with. Nevertheless, my spouse manages to get them situated.  The greenery appears settled, so he puts away the stepladder. 

Not surprisingly, the previously clean carpet now is dusted with artificial needles.  Did I mention our cleaning person had come the day before? I guess Step 7 is clean up the mess.

In addition to allergies, I have bone spurs in my shoulders, an old injury to my cervical spine, and tendonitis in both elbows. Thus, my arms are pretty useless for doing any real work.  That is the other reason we have a cleaning person. Not to worry, my husband says, he will handle Step 7 with our trusty, old vacuum.   

As he vacuums, though, rather than artificial needles disappearing, we see big globs of dust appearing.  The vacuum has been set on “hose” rather than “floor.”  Once corrected, (Step 7 and 1/2?) the dust and needles come up, but not without more sneezing, sniffling, and itching.  Maybe I should make sneezing a separate step? 

A dusty scent lingers in the air.  After all, it is an old vacuum cleaner.

After vacuuming, we find more than dust has been disturbed.  The artificial greenery has all come tumbling down, this time leaving a much wider swath of needles in its wake.

I won’t bore you with the Step by Step's.  Suffice it to say we repeat all the previous Steps with one addition.  This time, my intrepid spouse improvises a base for the greenery with metal book ends.  He really is very good at “Jerry-rigging,” even if by now we must be at Step 8. If we get to 12 Steps I am going to be ready for some alcohol.

I firmly believe we are done with all the Steps in Christmas decorating.  We can gather around our gas fireplace or even the two-foot-tall red-ribboned-bedecked rosemary “tree” in the kitchen.  After all, who really needs a Christmas tree?