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Monday, May 23, 2016

Crazy Stuff My Husband Thinks I Said


Ahh...us baby boomers. We're starting to fall apart. The joints are going. So we're replacing them. The backs are going. So we're getting Cortisone injections. The ears are going. But we're ignoring that.

Take my husband and me, for example. We have a little hearing loss between us. Maybe a few too many rock concerts. Or maybe just our age. But rather than view a little hearing issue as a loss, we’ve chosen to look on the experience with a sense of humor and in the spirit of fun. And besides, if Donald Trump actually wins the Presidency not being able to hear what he’s saying may be better than the alternative.

But back to my original topic of not hearing what is said. My husband has a particular gift for thinking he heard wild crazy-assed things. That would be ok except he usually claims to believe that I've said the crazy stuff.

For example, as we left our house the other day I made the remark that I was happy to be “back amongst the living again”. You see, this was supposed to be an ironic overstatement to cue I was feeling better after having had an upper respiratory virus. What our parents would've called the common cold.

My husband turned to me and said, "Did you say you just say you saw a Backalope?"

You can see how this is a crazy-assed thing to think your wife just said, particularly in view of certain undisputed facts. First, we don't live in any wilderness location. Second, my husband does not suffer from Alzheimer's. And third, so far as I know, there is no such thing as a Backalope.

We had been watching the revival of X-Files. Or should I make that sleeping through the X-Files revival? Sleeping through evening TV programs is another age-related topic I won’t digress into right now. But even Fox Mulder, true believer of the X-Files, concedes that the Jackelope was a hoax. So much more so for a Backalope.

If it were just one time my spouse claimed to have heard me say something totally crazy I'd be prepared to chalk it up. Chalk it up to what--I don’t know, but I would chalk it up. But it’s not the only time.  Seems to happen nearly every day. Today he asked me if I’d said the dog wanted a latte.

Now why would I say the dog wanted a latte? On the one hand, it’s not like our dog is a reincarnation of Mr. Ed, the talking TV horse of our youth. And on the other hand, the last thing in the world our dog needs is caffeine. We two geezers have all we can do to keep up with our un-caffeinated pooch and his excess energy issues. So maybe my spouse was thinking a de-caffeinated latte? But still… By the time I’ve gone through this crazy train of thought I’ve totally forgotten what I did say.

Maybe I will have a latte. Except we don’t have a latte machine. And if we did, no doubt the dog would want to share the treat like he does everything else I eat or drink. I could ponder if my husband is hinting he wants a latte machine for Father’s Day? But no, he doesn’t drink coffee or even like coffee ice cream.

So the only conclusion I can reach is that my husband's hearing is going. Or we’re living in the X Files where there are Backalopes and latte-drinking dogs who talk. In a world where Hillary Clinton, the presumptive Democratic nominee for President says she thinks the X Files need to be reopened since there may be something to the rumors about Area 51 and aliens, and an alien-looking orange man with fake hair who actually says crazy-assed stuff is the presumptive Republican nominee you have to wonder what is really going on.


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